Tuesday, 6 March 2012

I am successfully married....to my kids.

People often say and do offencive things, that's part of human nature.  Some people do it more often than others.  Some people do it intentionally.  Some people do it unintentionally.  Whatever the reason is behind it, it doesn't make it any less offencive to the person who finds it to be offencive.  Recently, I was offended.   Call me sensitive, but my uncontrollable over thinking might make me more susceptible to the act of taking offence.  I was having a conversation with someone I know, but not well.  We are both mother's, her a stay at home married mother, me a single working mother.  I observed that she didn't have any of her children with her, so I kindly pointed out my observation.  She informed me that, that particular day of the week was her "day off" to which I replied, "oh, I don't get those."  Here comes the part to which I took offence.  She went on to inform me that her luxurious day off from parenting was "part of being in a successful marriage."  I know, right?  You're jaw probably just hit the floor.  My initial reaction was the same, but because of the circumstance of where this conversation was taking place, I kept myself calm and collected and replied with a simple, "yeah."  

I've been thinking about that conversation everyday since it happened.  There are so many things I should have, could have, wish I had of said.  First of all, I've never been married.  How common is marriage anymore anyways?  So, I guess I don't get a day off from parenting because I'm not successfully in a RELATIONSHIP. I'm not sure what marriage has to do with anything anymore, half of marriages fail too.  Secondly, my kids are young, and I will never get these years back.  When they are grown up and moved out, I will have the rest of my life to take a whole day to myself.  For now, I'd like to enjoy every precious moment I can with them.  Thirdly, when I chose to have children I knew that meant giving up MY life, and that MY life would become THEIR lives.  Isn't that why we become parents?  To devote ourselves to raising tiny little people into successful adults.  As a working mother, I already miss so much, I don't need to take a day off from my job as a mother so I can miss more.  Being their mother is the most important job I have!  So far, I have been successful at my job as a mother.  I am one hundred percent devoted to my children. So, while you may see that I am not in a successful marriage, I say, I am successfully married to my children, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Friday, 2 March 2012

The Mission

You often hear the expression "put your thinking cap on," well I can't get the damn thing off.  It's locked and fully loaded.  I'm drowning in my own thoughts.  A few weeks ago I decided to make a mission.  A mission to free myself of all the thoughts that go round and round inside my mind.  I have so much to say, so many thoughts, opinions, ideas, but I keep them inside.  Why?  I guess fear holds me back.  It can be frightening to share a thought with someone, anyone.  They might judge you.  They might disagree.  They might offer advice.  They might think you're crazy.  I thought this would be a good way to share my thoughts, even if no one ever reads it, but as I discuss the fears behind my present dilemma, I think about how easy it would be to click to little "x" to the upper right of this screen and continue to drown.  Putting yourself out there for others to judge is terrifying no matter how strong one is, but I'm going to try my hardest to move past that, and follow through with this mission.

Last year was a rough year for me.  I experienced almost every emotion one can feel, and to the extreme.  It ended with me making a very difficult decision, but one that I am very proud of myself for making.  I found the strength to pull myself out of an unhappy situation, and change the path of life I was taking.  At first I struggled with the idea of change.  I do not adapt to change well.  But after thinking things through I realized that the changes I would make were necessary for the happiness of my children and myself.  So, for the past 5 months I have been a single parent.  I've been a single parent before, so this is something I am familiar with, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I am so busy now, but late at night when my children are sleeping and it's just me and the t.v. I have so much time to think.  That could be a good thing.  I have the peace I was longing for before I made these changes, and that feels good.  But, I also have nothing distracting me from becoming of a prisoner of my own thoughts.

I have spent quite some time bottling my feelings up, putting on a happy face, and living life in a way that would please those around me.  I was beginning to feel like an empty robot whose task was to simply survive each day.  To the outside world, I probably appeared emotionless, as a robot would.  I turned myself off in a sense, while still functioning and completing my daily routine.  To avoid thinking, I would turn to my good friend cyberspace.  I would begin with my other trusty friend, facebook, of course, and from there who knows where I'd end up...youtube, google, wikipedia, gap.com (I love to shop), some random page I'd never visited before, the possibilities were endless.  It was so easy to become lost in this world.  Being lost kept me safe; safe from my thoughts, my feelings, reality.  I only recently had the internet hooked up in my new home, so for the past few months, I have not been able to lose myself, numb myself, distract myself.  This meant LOTS and LOTS of time for thinking.  I started a journal, as a way to free the thoughts. I find it to be very therapeutic.  It seems so obvious now, using my passion for writing to heal myself, but I used to be afraid of my thoughts.  Correction, I AM afraid of my thoughts.  Sometimes it's just easier to suppress them.  That only works for so long, and only while you have something to distract yourself.  So here I am, terrified, yet willing to face that fear, and share what is hiding underneath that damn thinking cap, that's the mission.